So I was thinking about all the things I want and need in a man and was thinking about making a list (but I think that’s a bit much, because I know what’s important…I think lol). So I started thinking about men that have approached me recently and the reason why I wouldn’t talk to them beyond a “hello”. One of the main reasons was attraction. I remember back in undergrad, I used to think so many men were attractive; whether it was their personality, their sense of humor, their intelligence - something drew me in to them. Now, I am barely even getting any of those signals. I feel like I immediately know whether or not something will move forward based on the attraction factor. As some people alluded to in yesterday’s post, Where are all the good men (and women)?, maybe I need to be more open-minded to find love, but in my opinion, you cannot compromise on being attracted to someone.
My friend just pointed me in the direction of an article on cnn.com (under the Living section – Laws of Attraction) and from the article I gathered that attraction is based on science - it’s the way your body’s chemistry reacts to another’s. If it’s the right time of the month, if the man smells right, has a pleasing voice, or a symmetric face, then that will indicate the level of attraction for a person. Yea right…I think some of that could be true, but the minute he doesn’t have on that cologne, the attraction just magically disappears?! Um, no, I just don’t believe that.
So, let’s talk about the “Laws of Attraction”. So let’s say you meet someone, and they have everything you want/need, but there is no attraction and you feel like if you wait, you can get the WOW factor from someone else. You know what I mean, the “make you want to drop your panties/drawers” factor. Is that important in the long run or in the end, are you missing out on someone that could’ve been a potential mate? Do you think that over time, you can become more attracted to someone if you weren’t initially, or is it that the person just grows on you? And finally, I’ve heard women say “I gave him a chance because he was a good man and I thought that was more important than being attracted to him.” Have any of you been guilty of this? Men, what have your experiences been with the laws of attraction?
-Ms. QTO
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I think the physical attraction has to be there first and then everything else comes after. Granted I have been in some situation where the girl wasn't even on your radar but the more time you spent with her you grow an affinity for her.
ReplyDeleteI can understand how someone can "grow" on you, but I've never been able to get past not being attracted to a person. You want to think you can look past the physical because everything else should outweigh that, right? But, you want what you want and I don't care how smooth the words, how much money they have, that's not going to stop you from looking elsewhere. Would you really want to try to commit to someone when you're constantly looking at the next fine specimen that walks by? How do you keep yourself in check so that you don't f*@% it up?
ReplyDeleteReal Talk...You have to be attracted to someone before you'll talk to them. You might not be crazy about how they look, but there HAS to be an attraction or there's no getting outta the dugout (forget first base).
ReplyDeleteYou're not going to hear a magical voice from around the corner and then start speaking sweet nothing in their ear and then fall in love if they look like they been hit by a train and then a bus :) Looks are not everything and if you base your relationship on just that it's gonna be a rap, BUT I think you have to be attracted somewhat in the first place.
With all a dat being said...I think you will find that person when you're least expecting it!
I have done exactly what you described in this post. Amazingly enough it worked for a long time, but I always did notice that he was not as attractive as other men. The thing is, its other parts of his being that made me attracted to him and overwieghed his physical appearance. I liked his thighs (wierd but true), we had the same goals, came from good family, had fun together. Those things made him attractive and made me try the relationship thing out.
ReplyDeleteI agree...Attraction has to happen first, beit physical or other forms of attraction. This is part of the relationship/dating process that should not be lead by logic. Gotta let nature/emotions/instinct or whatever you wanna call it take place. Then you can decide on what factors you're willing to compromise. I've tried to justify givin someone a chance that I wasn't really attracted to...It never took off cause that basic need wasn't satisfied. Most of these girls were physically attractive but weren't my type for one reason or another.
ReplyDeleteAttraction vs Love
ReplyDeleteLove is something that makes you see beauty in cracks, faults as jokes, and things on the outside as just another facade.
Attraction is something that will make you... make stupid decisions, be controlled, and do things that aren't quite u.
So many people get caught up in this attraction thing as though it is a door. You don't look for attraction you let it happen. Attraction shouldn't be big boobs, or a great smile, because in the end these things aren't promised forever. Media influences people to look for the wrong things and interpret them as important.
What everyone should do is figure out what makes there world go round. If you are shallow then maybe big boobs are for you. If you are sensitive then maybe someone who is considerate is for you. Attraction isn't on the outside because truth is everything on the outside doesn't last and when it goes away so will your relationship.
With that being said I had the cutest of dudes and realized these are people who know that they attract women and use it to their advantage (there are some ugly duckling syndrome that are exceptions). You see there is something that every potential relationship must have and that is respect and understanding and if you are pleased with that the facade of beauty won't tempt you
The end!
in my opinion as you get older the "drop your draws/panties" feeling that you speak of fades away. in the end physical attraction is temporary and there needs to be more for a couple to stand on besides attraction. i cant see how a person could have everything you want/need yet you know be attracted. good grief what else would be required. perhaps the difference today as compared to your undergrad years are that you have become more focused on what is truly important. in undergrad damn near everything turned you...now you are wiser and requiring more than a sexy smile, suave personality and clever joke to draw you in. Lets face it after a certain age every person we date should be considered a potential mate otherwise whats the point?
ReplyDeletejust my pov...drljm
LaToya - I agree with your assessment - I think i am at a place where just a look is not going to get me to talk to you. But at the same time, I'm finding that the men i SHOULD like (because they look good on paper), I don't. The men that I wouldn't seriously date (for whatever reason) are the guys that I have chemistry with. What is THAT about!?
ReplyDeleteI do believe that attraction can occur on many levels - but I also do believe that the first thing a person sees is appearance and that's what will initially draw you in.